Good morning dear reader,
For the past few years I have been studying the gospel by myself more and more. I think the pandemic kind of kicked it off. Something awoke in me and I started to grow and learn more rapidly and fully immersing myself into my faith and beliefs. I was and have always been a liberal person, I have tried to NOT judge, NOT assume and NOT have strong opinions about anything before I figure it out for myself. So, after beginning this journey, my faith journey if it will, and I started to learn and grow SO MUCH. I participated in a lot of zoom meetings for the Single Adults in the church, both for my home country of Finland and all of Europe. There I got the chance to teach and lead discussions about faith. Through that, I became invested and ALL IN, into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I have always had a testimony but I wanted to learn more, strengthen it and become strong in the faith, also by actually studying and learning for myself.
I found friends I had not met before, both here in Finland and in all of Europe. My friends taught me.
I kind of had to deconstruct most of my beliefs in order to "get them right" and strengthen them. It took me approximately five years, from the moment the pandemic hit and up until this point. I realized so many new things. I learned that God is not always as we think, some people who try to follow Jesus, are not showing or understanding some of the things I feel are true doctrine. I do not think God only loves white people. I know, members think they are not very racist and discriminating but they sometimes unfortunately are. I started realizing that because I am a very "weird" or different kind of member, at least here in Finland, I was bullied in church, slandered and bad mouthed by some members. I know, we should all remember no one is perfect and people did remind me from time to time VERY clearly how I wasn't good enough.
Flash forward to 2023 when I met this amazing elder (a missionary) who encouraged me and was really kind and appreciative of me and my efforts to help the missionaries. He was sincere and he has such a good, beautiful heart. Meeting him changed my life and my whole perspective on myself. He taught me about my worth. I don't really know what happened, but I started to seen myself as a precious daughter of God. Whether my friend meant it or not, I felt loved by him and my Heavenly Father, so completely and just the way I was and am. Thank you, you know who you are. My friend changed my life and I will be eternally grateful. I am tearing up a bit. It was a good time in my life.
You may ask, HOW did I not know my worth?
To tell you the truth, I was bullied in school and in church. I thought I wasn't worthy of love or true friendship and acceptance. I thought I needed to fit into the box, be one of the colorless, boring and solemn people that I often saw surrounding me. I know, that is a generalization but that's how I felt. My time in Sweden (January 2001-December 2012) had helped me see other different people and I got very "international" more outgoing and "fun" to put it simply. I didn't really grow up in Sweden, but it laid a foundation of aspects of my personality which help me be the person I am today. I am a lot happier, more smiley and outgoing. I learned to "small talk" but at the same time be honest and straightforward but not in a mean way. I was bullied in Sweden too, at church. But far less than here, which I am very grateful.
The missionaries have been my "guiding light and inspiration for decades now, I am so grateful for the ones who are still serving here and for the ones who went home already. I love them so much and I want to help and support them always.
Deconstructing my foundation of faith has helped me to build it up again, from the very corner stone and base. I have built it on Jesus, my rock. He is the best friend to everyone! Some people don't understand what it means and to me it's very abstract but I have thought of it this way:´
"Someday I will understand"
I think I will have the possibility in the moment I see Jesus descending from Heaven, during the second coming, I will understand at least most of it and I will understand why I went through all the difficulties in my life and why they changed me as a person, changed my soul. I needed to take a step back and look at everything to appreciate it all and gain an understanding of all the basic teachings of the church.
Understandably it sounds WILD that I would kind of deconstruct most of it. I know, it was a risky path, but it has helped me so much. I needed to know, feel and have faith in my faith, if I may put it that way. I know some of the people reading this will either judge me or roll their eyes or something. It's ok. You don't need to understand my life, because it's not your life, it's mine.
After considering many of the teachings of the church, there are no explanation that I completely understand. I just trust God and what He is doing in my life. I am a lot more mature and a lot more hopeful and optimistic about my future... I might even get that "happily ever after" with someone. Stay tuned for more about that later, when I know more stuff than I know now. LOL. It will be SO great. I believe I have a incredibly bright future ahead of me. A lot of challenges but also a lot of blessings. I am feeling like my time has come. My time to get married, be happy in that marriage and attain exaltation together with my husband. Nothing is impossible for me anymore! I have all the potential and worth and tools to get there.
That's all for today, hope you have enjoyed this blog post!
God bless us everyone!
